Drip, drip, drip
“For god sake Luke!!! You ruined the tension, the silent atmosphere of the unknown with only the sound of droplets being heard! Why must you ruin the moment, the tension was almost palpable!!!! My show was going so well until you F it up! Go and sod off back to your corner, leave me alone I’m tacking a sh!t now!!!! Alister Huckleberry was once a celebrated entertainer back in his day, a bingo caller from Yorkshire who was in his mid 40’s with charming looks and clothing fashion that could make your nan sink down below. That was until he was officially declared insane by the medical society of bad acting (MSoBA), and was sent to the outback of Australia in a asylum called ‘Ken’s den’. This is where your criminally insane bad entertainers go…….
Alister wanted to ascend to heaven and be done with this hell he was trapped in, spending 11 years for crimes including bad comedy, terrible one liners and fake tan so bad that he looked like he smothered himself in tangy cheese crisps. His last show was so bad that all the OAP’s dropped dead from the boredom with jam sandwiches all over the the room, a sign of a bad actor at work!
Another day at the asylum, another bad actor strikes again. The asylum for bad entertainers and performers carries on its usual routine as patients go on the road to becoming better entertainers, to walk out into society to be a better person. They may go on to become famous, or even legendary talents in the history books. Some however tend to leave the profession for good, the asylum will always be on their mind whenever they see a vacant microphone or a lonely guitar that needs twanging.
But for Luke, he’d spooge everybody’s chance just for his own amusement. He’s been doing this for five years now, ever since he was locked up for crime against the entertainment code. His unnecessary vulgar comedy and social media posts of acquired taste had marked him as a wanted mad man. He and the Spooge crew (his gang of affiliates) were a menace to society and needed to be locked up! The Governor of the asylum sent a bounty out on Luke and his crew worth around £100,000. Mr Fletcher was adamant that these criminals will be found and sent to his asylum to be reformed.
After many weeks of searching and tracing the whereabouts of the Spooge crew, the coppers finally found the gang when they saw their van at a fast food restaurant. A high speed chase was on! Luke was on the wheel, Waz on the guns, Glenn polishing his spear, Keith was drunk, naked man shouted vulgar nonsense at the coppers and the Tons (Dexton, Sexton and Flexton) were shooting out from the sides of the van. The Spooge crew fled to another part of the country as the coppers chased them through main roads and off road lanes. Waz had in total punctured 6 police cars, shot and overturned 5 police cars, caused minor injury wounds by 11 and killed no one. His heavy machine gun was nearly out of juice and he needed more ammunition in order to get rid of the rest. That’s when naked guy suggested a do or die attempt at jumping over a canyon, he was a genius when he was low on psychedelic substances.
The coppers finally caught Luke, Waz, naked man and other criminal scum in an abandoned industrial mining site. Their van got wrecked by a demolition ball that swung into the van as it nearly made the jump over a canyon.
Even though the game was up and each one of the crew were sentenced to ten years in the asylum, like Evel Kenival, Luke would do more and more extreme acts of bravery and insanity, he’d escaped along with his gang three times so far. Their greatest escape was the second attempt when Waz got a jackhammer from the arsehole of a smuggling inmate. How he was able to stuff it in his hole is anyone’s guess, but Waz used this to break free and his friends too who were down the row from him. Did the guards get killed? No, they laughed to death!
They made it all the way up to the Governors office and tried to create an armed siege. They wanted a deal where they go free with a van to get away in. When they had a deal and drove off they were pursued by a dark ominous van, immediately they found out that their petrol was low. So close to freedom, yet so far away when the asylum released its most dangerous and reliable asset to deal with the Spooge crew. Taken out of his cryo frozen state in a frozen isolation chamber, Carry On legend, Sydney was back!
The Spooge crew were weak against this old mans prowess as he danced and singed his ditty tune, he joked and gave his memorable one liners. The crew were laughing to death as their hearts were crushed by the weight of the power of humour, British humour at it’s most destructive state. It was only by sheer luck that Sydney died on the spot as he chocked from years of being on ice, his comeback came too soon. He laid there on the floor smiling from beyond the grave.
It was decided that the Spooge crew needed to be separated into groups of two, lest the madness consume the entire asylum by a gang of crazy pranksters.
Alister has seen and heard all of this in his time behind bars in the asylum. Unlucky for him his roommate was a lunatic who broke him in just 2 hours of being together.
It was nighttime and everyone was in their isolation cells, for Alister, his isolation became a shared room. Luke was in the corner rocking back and forth in the shadow, hardly spoke a word in the last few hours. This was odd, Luke would usually be writing some vulgar poem that he’d tell Alister about, or drawing childish pictures in crayons of his adventures. The canyon jump was his favourite story.
Alister heard the canyon jump so many times now that he could recite it in all its childish hallmark. Strangely the story reminded him of something long ago, the canyon had something close to him once, a vague fuzzy memory that he couldn’t catch no matter how hard he tried.
It was 11pm and the inmates were asleep, well not all of them, strange noises echo down the hallway at night like screams and almost demonic shouts and laughter. Men in security gear were escorting clowns on trolleys with jam smeared on their mouths. He could sometimes see doctors walking across his jail door to administer injections to inmates. Supposedly it was to help clear their minds of the painful memories they had. Well Alister’s bad entertainment memories were still intact and the injections didn’t do a thing. But he did get a fuzzy headache when he tried to remember vague things at the back of his mind…..
Luke stopped rocking and froze, Alister looked over to see Luke curling still. He was feeling a slight twinge of worry that the lad was broken by the madness of this wretched place, it finally got to him. He got up and walked just a few paces towards Luke and sighed. “Oi, lad, ya allwit? Ya seem a little off it tonight?”.
No sound came from Luke. Alister got the impression that Luke was being antisocial and wanted to be left alone. Although Alister hated this man for driving him mad from the constant pranks, he could at least spare some understanding for people who just became complete emotional wrecks like him. He broke down once in his life during a time of stress and pressure, on the edge of losing his sanity when everything collapsed on him. Wait, since when did Alister broke down? His head was getting fuzzy again, he swore he just remembered having a memory of breaking down?
Alister was asleep dreaming of horrible things that plagued his dreams, he was in debt, his wife was killed whilst gliding over a canyon and he had a mental breakdown at his local bingo show. He felt the gears in his mind break and crunch as reality forced him down towards a complete emotional collapse. The elderly were laughing and scorning him for his mental breakdown, the bad entertainer proved to be a complete failure at his job. They hated him, loathed his existence as a little man who had no success, his wife dead, his finance in ruin and he had news broken to him that he was going to be sacked tomorrow from the bingo hall. It all cascades on him in the end as his mental health finally gave way.
All Alister could do was fall onto the microphone stand and smack his head constantly until blood appeared on his bludgeoned face. Then several minutes later the laughter ceased and a cold silence took over the hall, Alister was all alone covered in the red essence of human blood.
Drip, drip, drip